That thing we call life
We all take it for granted.
I personally sit on the edge of a glass table, ready to topple off at any moment, hung in suspense of taking life for granted and taking it seriously.
I've been running from myself since I was fourteen. Running from life, problems, sometimes responsibilites. Running scared. Left behind to endure the effects of heart disease, I try very hard to avoid my heart. In every sense, in every way, both physical and emotional. The heart hurts. Deeply. When you feel with your heart every breath is noticable. Every beat and flow vibrates throughout every atom of your being.
I was fourteen when my dad died of a heart attack. No warning. No preparation. No Nothing, but heartbreak.
A ghost from the past heart disease seems to be my enemy following me, watching me. A dark shadow in the alley, just waiting for someone to make the wrong turn so it can attack you and take you away.
DH hasn't been himself lately, and I saw signs I never wanted to see again. Signs of sickness, of high blood pressure, of heart disease.
I'm running scared again. I don't want to face this. I don't want to look death in the face and deal with the outcome. I want to turn my back on that shadow and pretend it's not there. But I can't. I have to try and do something about it. I have to take care of all those 'factors' myself for him. I have to make sure he is taken care of, for me. Because, the alternative is not something I'm ready to face.
The heart is strong. and the stronger the heart- the more it hurts.
I guess it's time to stop running. I'm just not sure I'm strong enough to fight the past and the present together.
I personally sit on the edge of a glass table, ready to topple off at any moment, hung in suspense of taking life for granted and taking it seriously.
I've been running from myself since I was fourteen. Running from life, problems, sometimes responsibilites. Running scared. Left behind to endure the effects of heart disease, I try very hard to avoid my heart. In every sense, in every way, both physical and emotional. The heart hurts. Deeply. When you feel with your heart every breath is noticable. Every beat and flow vibrates throughout every atom of your being.
I was fourteen when my dad died of a heart attack. No warning. No preparation. No Nothing, but heartbreak.
A ghost from the past heart disease seems to be my enemy following me, watching me. A dark shadow in the alley, just waiting for someone to make the wrong turn so it can attack you and take you away.
DH hasn't been himself lately, and I saw signs I never wanted to see again. Signs of sickness, of high blood pressure, of heart disease.
I'm running scared again. I don't want to face this. I don't want to look death in the face and deal with the outcome. I want to turn my back on that shadow and pretend it's not there. But I can't. I have to try and do something about it. I have to take care of all those 'factors' myself for him. I have to make sure he is taken care of, for me. Because, the alternative is not something I'm ready to face.
The heart is strong. and the stronger the heart- the more it hurts.
I guess it's time to stop running. I'm just not sure I'm strong enough to fight the past and the present together.
posted by Night Diva Maria @ 5/22/2006 07:13:00 PM
2 Comments:
At 12:13 PM,
Jax Cassidy said…
We can only acknowledge those things that scare us. It doesn't mean we have to like it, but sometimes the best way to overcome our fears is to accept and work toward remedying the situation. Heart disease, high blood pressure, etc. runs in my family and I am worried about my siblings and how they don't do anything to prevent these things that can happen to them. So, the best I can do is protect myself and work at being healthy because when it comes down to it someday, someone's gotta be there to help them see straight.
You're a strong woman, you'll know what to do when you stop running.
At 9:59 PM,
Shari said…
Hang in there. Sometime facing the problem isn't as scary as we thought it would be. Sometimes it is. But you do what you've got to do.
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